The Forgotten Alpacalypse

Anonymous asked: yo yo yo aren't alpacas reptiles?

No. 

So. As you might know, we at The Forgotten Alpacalypse are really good at networking. Like, really, really good. Don’t you remember how we got the lyrics to Justin Bieber’s revised alpaca version of “Baby”? And let’s not forget our connections at the CW network that allowed you all to indulge in a photo of the upcoming alpaca cycle of America’s Next Top Model. What does this have to do with anything, you may be asking yourselves? I know that The Forgotten Alpacalypse is amazing, you don’t have to remind me. Well, dear friends, we are pleased to present an excerpt from a previously UNDISCOVERED book by the one and only Theodor Geisel, aka Dr. Seuss.

Disclaimer here: In case any of you are confused, Dr. Seuss does not actually have a medical degree. So please cancel your upcoming appointment with him. This has been a public service announcement brought to you by The Forgotten Alpacalypse.  

But back to our serendipitous discovery! It turns out that Dr. Seuss was a huge fan of alpacas. Like, basically an alpaca fangirl. He might even have loved alpacas more than we love alpacas, and you all know that’s really saying something. The excerpt presented below is from Dr. Seuss’ 1959 book, A World Without Alpacas. We have to say that we were a little surprised at how dark it was (Theodor clearly believed that a world without alpacas is not really a world at all). But, despite the doomsday nature of this piece, his brilliant rhyming is still retained. Since the end of the world is drawing near anyway (December 21, mark your calendars everyone!), we figured this was (semi) relevant. Consider this an early Christmas present. Or a Hanukkah present that’s at the exact right time! 

A World Without Alpacas

Today I must present to you

A situation that if true

Would make you cry boo-hoo boo-hoo 

But it is something I must state 

Even if the idea fills us with hate. 

You all know alpacas, the gift from above? 

I know you’ll agree they’re the definition of love. 

Their fuzzy noses bring much joy

To every little girl and boy. 

They are even more loved than Santa Claus

Their happiness and health is our society’s cause. 

But what if alpacas didn’t exist? 

Doesn’t this cause your eyes to mist? 

And they’re not misting because of rain

No, they’re misting because of the PAIN. 

The pain of losing your alpaca friends

The hole in your heart will never mend. 

So let’s all be very grateful today

That as far as we know, alpacas are here to stay! 

The story goes on to depict the friendship of Joe the alpaca and his human friend, a little boy named Albert, as they frolic through a grassy field of flowers. Toward the middle of the story, Albert almost loses Joe when a piece of the roof of the local shoe factory falls on Joe’s head during a thunderstorm. Luckily, Joe only suffers a minor concussion and recovers. Albert rejoices that his alpaca friend remains in his life. 

We’re not exactly sure why the beginning of the story is so dark, but we’re glad the ending is happier! 

You’re also probably wondering how we obtained this previously unknown manuscript. Let’s just say that Theodor’s second cousin twice removed really likes our blog. 

Here’s a pic our contact gave us of his cousin with an alpaca. Apparently this alpaca was not actually Theodor’s pet, but he did attempt to steal it from the local farm. Luckily he did not succeed, and did not have to go to jail. As distressing as it may be to hear about the criminal activity of one of your favorite children’s book authors, we do have to give props to Theodor for his dedication to alpacas! 

Why do homework when you can talk said Fred the Alpaca to his hat. The hat responded, there is no reason that you should do homework; you should only talk. Fred nodded, he knew his reason to exist was to talk pointlessly and forever never stopping to let other people respond. He had just followed social norms before, now he would live up to his true potential. Fred was not going to be a conformist any longer. He decided he would be a hipster alpaca. To start, his friend the hat was too mainstream and he THREW IT TO THE GROUND! (He’s not part of your system.) Fred decided to get a new wardrobe, consisting of hipster hats and scarves. He also had to buy a pair of hipster glasses. He journeyed to San Francisco, where he met the San Francisco Bushman. He preceded to talk his bushes off and cause leaves to fly everywhere, the wind helping them escape. “Leaf me alone!!!!!” cried Fred and the Bushman as they scattered leaves all over the hipster San Franciscans. One hipster named Katie Hugo Hopper threw her scarf at them, scoffing “You wish you were as hipster as me, but that will never be!” Fred smiled at her then he ate her, “now you will not be superior to me” he said! The Bushman backed away and started running, dancing as he went on his magical way. Dear readers, you didn’t realize that alpacas can eat people, did you? But don’t worry, as long as you’re not a hipster, you do not need to be afraid of getting eaten. And that is the MORAL OF THIS STORY. 

Peace, Love, and Alpacas, 

The Forgotten Alpacalypse 

PS: We don’t actually hate hipsters. That’s too mainstream. 

http://chakwas.tumblr.com/post/28566640837/milvertons-and-to-put-it-simply-alpacas-are

Inspired by http://ryangoslingvspuppy.tumblr.com/, we bring you: 

Who’s Cuter: Ryan Gosling or This Alpaca???

It’s the question of the year. 

Who’s cuter: Ryan Gosling winking or this alpaca winking? 

Who’s cuter: Ryan Gosling with glasses or this alpaca with glasses? 

And finally…

Who’s cuter: Ryan Gosling at Disneyland with a cat or this alpaca with a cat (not at Disneyland)? 

Note: When Ryan Gosling appeared on Conan O’Brien last year, he mentioned that “There is a belief that Disney has been breeding an army of cats. And they’re not ordinary cats, they have a special set of skills; they’re like commando cats.”

Read the full story here: 

http://articles.nydailynews.com/2011-09-20/gossip/30202151_1_cats-ryan-gosling-disneyland

Now this story may seem a little questionable, but seriously, who could doubt this face? 

And if those commando cats look anything like the cat with the alpaca pictured above, then we should all fear for our lives and stay as far away from Anaheim as possible. 

Peace, love, and alpacas,

The Forgotten Alpacalypse