So. As you might know, we at The Forgotten Alpacalypse are really good at networking. Like, really, really good. Don’t you remember how we got the lyrics to Justin Bieber’s revised alpaca version of “Baby”? And let’s not forget our connections at the CW network that allowed you all to indulge in a photo of the upcoming alpaca cycle of America’s Next Top Model. What does this have to do with anything, you may be asking yourselves? I know that The Forgotten Alpacalypse is amazing, you don’t have to remind me. Well, dear friends, we are pleased to present an excerpt from a previously UNDISCOVERED book by the one and only Theodor Geisel, aka Dr. Seuss.
Disclaimer here: In case any of you are confused, Dr. Seuss does not actually have a medical degree. So please cancel your upcoming appointment with him. This has been a public service announcement brought to you by The Forgotten Alpacalypse.
But back to our serendipitous discovery! It turns out that Dr. Seuss was a huge fan of alpacas. Like, basically an alpaca fangirl. He might even have loved alpacas more than we love alpacas, and you all know that’s really saying something. The excerpt presented below is from Dr. Seuss’ 1959 book, A World Without Alpacas. We have to say that we were a little surprised at how dark it was (Theodor clearly believed that a world without alpacas is not really a world at all). But, despite the doomsday nature of this piece, his brilliant rhyming is still retained. Since the end of the world is drawing near anyway (December 21, mark your calendars everyone!), we figured this was (semi) relevant. Consider this an early Christmas present. Or a Hanukkah present that’s at the exact right time!
A World Without Alpacas
Today I must present to you
A situation that if true
Would make you cry boo-hoo boo-hoo
But it is something I must state
Even if the idea fills us with hate.
You all know alpacas, the gift from above?
I know you’ll agree they’re the definition of love.
Their fuzzy noses bring much joy
To every little girl and boy.
They are even more loved than Santa Claus
Their happiness and health is our society’s cause.
But what if alpacas didn’t exist?
Doesn’t this cause your eyes to mist?
And they’re not misting because of rain
No, they’re misting because of the PAIN.
The pain of losing your alpaca friends
The hole in your heart will never mend.
So let’s all be very grateful today
That as far as we know, alpacas are here to stay!
The story goes on to depict the friendship of Joe the alpaca and his human friend, a little boy named Albert, as they frolic through a grassy field of flowers. Toward the middle of the story, Albert almost loses Joe when a piece of the roof of the local shoe factory falls on Joe’s head during a thunderstorm. Luckily, Joe only suffers a minor concussion and recovers. Albert rejoices that his alpaca friend remains in his life.
We’re not exactly sure why the beginning of the story is so dark, but we’re glad the ending is happier!
You’re also probably wondering how we obtained this previously unknown manuscript. Let’s just say that Theodor’s second cousin twice removed really likes our blog.
Here’s a pic our contact gave us of his cousin with an alpaca. Apparently this alpaca was not actually Theodor’s pet, but he did attempt to steal it from the local farm. Luckily he did not succeed, and did not have to go to jail. As distressing as it may be to hear about the criminal activity of one of your favorite children’s book authors, we do have to give props to Theodor for his dedication to alpacas!